What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
