Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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