i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize