but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
