nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
