Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
