I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just puked most of my soul out..
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
