the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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