he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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