so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
i think my cat just said my name.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
jump out the window naked night went bad
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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