I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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