shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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