His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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