youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
