how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
