this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
