i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
