Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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