How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
