he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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