please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
