Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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