The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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