I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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