Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she peed on how many people?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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