i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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