She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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