I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
