First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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