Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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