You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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