You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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