separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
