I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
