booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
