I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
