I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
