on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
