Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
