I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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