the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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