She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
