Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
