WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
