i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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