wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
