Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
