If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
