Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
