Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
not ubering you a puppy
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
