I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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