So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
