I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize