My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
