he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
