You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
