Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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