My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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