How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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