Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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