The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
