I'd wear matching sweaters with you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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