I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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