he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
