May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
