my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
