shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
