I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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