its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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