It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
